"Sometimes," said Pooh, "the smallest things take up the most room in your heart."

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

10 days old

10 days old/days in the NICU
Weight: 3 lbs 3.5 oz (+2.5 ounces)

The last two days were kind of rough for Ella. All day yesterday and last night, her oxygen kept plummeting then crawling back up. She would either have too much pressure on her vent or not enough. The alarms were going off and on constantly all day and night. It was super stressful since I spent the night. Every time it seems that she is slipping backwards, I get absolutely terrified that she's going to get as sick as she was last week and we'll lose her. This morning, I talked to the doctor and she said that while of course they can never guarantee anything, she has very few doubts that Ella is going to pull through this. She said that slowly she'll eat, gain weight, get off the vent and eventually come home. She just spelled it out for me and it was a comfort to hear it put like that. According to the scale, Ella gained 2.5 ounces but the nurse and I don't really think that's accurate. If you look at Ella in person she looks a lot slimmer and like her swelling had reduced so her nurse is thinking that it's not an accurate weight. BUT, that's what the scale says so that's what gets put down. The GOOD news is that today they resumed feedings and she is reacting well to them. She's only on 1 ml every 3 hours but that's better then nothing! They are using suppositories to help her poop, but she IS pooping! The doctor also reassured me that Ella is NOT the sickest baby in the NICU (she had been one of them) and that while some of the things she does aren't typical of the run of the mill preemie of her gestational age, nothing she has done is out of the ordinary for a preemie. She said that Ella is acting similar to many other babies her age and that they were not concerned that she would slip backwards.

Ella is starting to self comfort by sucking on her fingers. It's sweet and oh so cute, but it's also extremely difficult for me to watch my 10 day old baby self comfort when *I* should be the one comforting her. I so desperately want to crawl into that incubator and cuddle her against me. She was so distressed yesterday that I wasn't able to hold her which was a HUGE disappointment because I really was looking forward to holding her and doing some k-care (kangaroo care) with her. I know that eventually she'll be fine and we'll be able to do it all the time, but right now, it's so rough. I expressed a concern to the nurse that as she got older she would be cold and not affectionate since she's not being held in these first few weeks. The nurse reassured me that's not the case, and told me that her son was extremely sick when he was born (swallowed his first poop) and she didn't get to hold him for 3 weeks and now he's her most affectionate child, even though he's in college. 

Last night I spent the night at the NICU and got to help with her cares. I got to pick her up to weigh her and then this morning, I got to pick her up to reposition her. After we repositioned her to be laying on her belly she opened up her eyes and was looking at me. We spent a good 10 or so minutes looking at each other and I told her all about her family members and her God Mother Faith and how much each person loved her SO much. Then this morning, she opened her eyes again and I kneeled in front of her incubator and sang to her. The entire time I sang to her, her stats were absolutely perfect. I loved it!! I stayed at the NICU until about 3:15 today and then came home to spend the rest of the day with Olivia. Today is the first day since she was born that I haven't gone to the hospital at night. I spent all night and into this afternoon there so I decided to spend the rest of the day and evening with Olivia. We did lots of coloring and then went to Target. After she goes to bed tonight, I'm going to catch up on some cleaning. It felt good to be able to drive and go places with Olivia today. 


  1. You know of course that I didn't get to see Culley for 2 days and didn't hold him for seven and he is the biggest momma's boy ever. Though he is not really a cuddler, he loves to come over and love on me, then dart away to play...........no worries momma!! :)

  2. Thanks Melinda. I get these bouts of irrational fears and last night I just had a moment of crappiness I think!

  3. awe Christa, she knows that you are you and that you are there. The singing is so wonderful. She will be a snuggle bug, and then push you away cause she will want to do everything on her own. I can just see it. The little bugger. much love your way. April